Are we ready for some serious mustache action?
Let’s talk about the Walrus Mustache.
It’s a killer. It’s the 800-pound gorilla of facial hair. It has so much character and personality it should have its own reality TV show.
But can it be yours?
We’ve already covered mustaches and how to choose them in depth, but the walrus mustache deserves some attention of its own.
In today’s article we’re going to check out some awesome walrus mustaches, see what you need to grow one, how to style them, and then a teency little bonus at the end.
The incredible walrus mustache in the wild
They’re rare beasties, but you’ll see them around.
When we think of famous walrus mustaches there’s one name that comes to mind: Nietzsche.
But I don’t think he should be the poster-boy for the walrus, and here’s why:
First of all, his mustache goes beyond hipster, beyond lumberjack, and all the way into the realm of genuinely horrifying. Do you enjoy lingering on the fringes of civilization? Then the Nietzsche mustache is for you.
But not only that, it seems that his walrus ‘stache scared off the available young women of his day. Alain de Botton reports in The Consolations of Philosophy a sad tale where, in a moment of gallantry Nietzsche offers a grape to a young lady during a boating party.
Eager to avoid offence, she simpers and hand behind her back, drops the grape in the water “because it touched the hands of old Nietzsche”.
And really, does this say romance to you?Formidable as it is, we can do better.
The walrus mustache in the summer of love
As we can see here the march of civilization has had a profound effect on the walrus mustache.
John Lennon’s walrus mustache is a fine example of a very substantial mustache that nonetheless scares nobody.
Not that he didn’t have a problem heading down the Nietzsche path:
A modern walrus mustache
Bringing the awesome walrus mo into modern times, we have Christopher Camplin, professional model:
As you can see this is a large, strong mustache that manages to be well-groomed and neat at the same time.
How to grow a walrus mustache – if you dare.
Actually, growing it is simple:
Walk away from all shavers/razors/scissors etc and just wait.
Done waiting? Wait some more. Really. This is like the ultra-marathon of facial hair (you’ll suffer on the way, but the end is worth it).
So now you’ve waited a minimum of say – three months – and you look something like this:
It’s time to get trimming.
Decide how wide you’d like the mustache to be. This is not a simple decision. The wider your mustache, the narrower your face is going to look, and vice versa.
So if your face is a little moony, well, I recommend something quite wide. And if you’re like me and look a little horsey, go more narrow.
Anyway, if you’ve been growing the rest of your beard out, it’s time to get trimming (see our recommendations for trimmers here).
Make sure you do this when your face and beard are absolutely bone dry. This is because wet hair expands and lengthens, looking fuller than it actually is. If you cut it like that, you’re going to take more than you mean to. Then you’re back to waiting.
So trim your non-mustache areas. Watch out for the mustache.
Once you’re done hacking back the rest of the beard, it’s time to start on the mustache.
Comb it out straight with downward strokes. Get your barber-quality scissors – believe me, they’re worth investing in – and decide where this mighty mo is going to end.
To be a proper walrus mustache, it should cover at least the top lip, and the ends of the mustache should extend below the corners of your mouth.
Styling a walrus mustache
Now you’ve got it, what are you going to do with it?
If you’re happy to let it sit there obscuring your upper lip, that’s great! It’s a walrus mustache – big, uncompromising and unapologetic.
But on some occasions we might want to avoid using the mo as a literal soup-strainer. First date? Lunch with the boss? You get the idea.
But that doesn’t mean we’re going to cut it! Good Lord no.
No, all you need is a little mustache wax. Like a really small amount. You can find a good one here.
Or just go chat to your local barber – they’re bound to be able to help you out with a quality mustache wax.
Anyway, get a tiny piece of wax, roll it into a ball and start working it into your mustache. Once you’ve got some even coverage, comb your mustache into the shape you want.
Just a little outward flare should be enough to reveal your upper lip and keep your mo out of your soup.
The Walrus Bonus
Yeah, I told you there was a bonus, no?
Well, if you grow your mo right, with the aid of the aforementioned mustache wax you’ve got a read-to-go handlebar moustache. Yeah! A droop handlebar mustache turns right into a walrus, and vice versa.
Just use your wax to turn the ends up and you’re good to go.
See, it was totally worth waiting all that time to grow out your mustache, right?
Wrapping up the walrus mustache
So I hope we’ve put you on the righteous path of the mighty walrus mustache with a confident step and a glint in your eye.
If you’re just starting on your journey, stay strong, stay true and think of the happy future when you’ll have your awesome, awe-inspiring ‘stache.
Are you growing your mustache out? Let us know in the comments.